Archive for Humor

5 of the games can affect your social life

With the following list I’ll outline how society has been wrongly affected by games of our culture, they have ruined us, they’ve created something terrifying with their ‘harmless’ games. We are the next generation and we’re abusing that fact. Some games however, the effect is more than others, kinda like…

5) Final Fantasy games

Upon initially waking up in the middle of the night to find my Dad sleeping on th couch with Playstation controller with Final Fantasy VII on the screen. I jumped at the chance to do something I’d never done before; play a video game. It was amazing. Immediately I was severely affected by social learning theory. I observed, I imitated.

The problem with playing Final Fantasy games is that it allows your life to be captured into a imaginary world that is severely better than yours. Even at the age of 18 I find myself wishing I was a crazy haired, sword wielding orphan destined to save the world.

How it affects your social life

After a 13 hour hardcore session of Final Fantasy, you don’t just enjoy the characters you are playing as, you become them. It’s 4am and you’re standing in the mirror topless with the v05 in one hand and a broomstick in another. You’re ready to fight Jecht, you’re ready to go out to the world and proclaim that you are the saviour. Poverty? No problem, you have unlocked your firaga ability and rocking 999 Mana points. You’re unstoppable… Until the next day when you turn up to work/school/nursery with hair like a crappy L’Oreal advert and a desire to ‘rid the world of evil’ by fighting all that stand in your way, resulting not only a possible prison sentence but those human beings you regarded as friends see you as ‘that guy’.

4) Little big planet

Little big planet was a revolutionary idea with three simple words “Play, Create, Share”. There’s nothing more powerful than your imagination right? With that it can lead you to do wondrous things. You’ve created a house on Littlebigplanet, you’re now a goddamn architect. Piano? Screw that, with Little big planet you can be the next Mozart with almost no musical knowledge. Because with Little big planet, you can create anything and you are God.

How it affects your social life

As it turns out, you’re not really God, you’re just a guy with a desire to turn your best friend’s house into an obstacle course with a fight for his life. You’ve changed the concept of giving your friends a challenge to something straight out of Saw and turning their bedroom floor into a burning hellsite destined to cause pain is a sure way to land yourself in the bad books, and possibly jail. Also, on a side note, it is not a good idea to run in the bathroom of semi-acquaintances trying to collect all the bubbles for points while they bathe. Restraining orders are not fun.

3) Portal

The world was hit by storm when Valve created something different, a game that utilises things called portals which, in a heightened state of realism allows you to walk through one portal and out through the other side. It’s wonderful. One portal above you, one portal below you is a recipe for endless fun with physics.

How it affects your social life

A key thing to note is that portals are not real. No matter how hard you try or how many holes you cut in your (now ex) girlfriend’s wall, you are not going to be able pee through it into the toilet. It also doesn’t look great if you turn up to someone’s wedding day with what can only be described as bionic boots attaching to the back of your calves and start screaming when the groom and bride are about to cut the cake. It does not go down well.

2) Grand Theft Auto

Imagine having the ability to drive around in any car you want, kill people for any reason you want and literally do anything you want. With Grand Theft Auto you can do it all. Want to spend premium rates for a bit of hookydooky and kill the retailer to get your cash back? You can do that. Want to steal a helicopter, fly to the highest of highs a jump out without a parachute while feeling no real life pain when you plunge to your death knowing you can respawn anytime? GTA’s got you covered on all fronts.

How it affects your social life

Picture this, you’re at a birthday party, it’s a bit of a mellow atmosphere, no one’s really enjoying themselves and you’re prepared to raise the liveliness of your fellow guests. How do you do this? With a fully automatic m4 carbine rifle of course. Pummel all those rounds deep into the so-called friends who only like you for being the ‘lively one’. It sure will add some spice to the party and make it a night to remember. While you’re on the go, start stealing their money might as well rack up the cash to pay for the respawn following the immediate lining of the room with c4 explosives, preparing yourself for detonation. I mean, a respawn is only $100, so why not?

1) Monopoly

For christmas I got the gift that everyone dreams of, the ability to build an empire, destroy your opponents and get out of jail for a reasonable price. All this to acquire one set goal: Pass go and result in profit. When playing Monopoly, friends become foes, dice become your car and free parking is a goddamn life saver.

How it affects your social life

The major problem with having an entire collection of properties and potential at your fingertips is how fierce you become. You just bought Mayfair and Park Lane, the world is now yours. Favours for a friend become full-time jobs with a salary. Money is your goal, it’s now your life. That pound of sugar you lent to your neighbour a month ago, is now worth a field of gold. You’re the next Alan Sugar. If anyone gets in your way, you crush them. This doesn’t go down too well when your friends are in a somewhat financial problem and you’re absolutely loaded because they stepped into your house.

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Loosening of the roots of transformation

You gotta hand it to the president: he’s got that whole transparency thing going on, big time. He told us four years ago that, if elected, he’d radically transform the United States of America… and, boy howdy, has he ever! You can hardly recognize the place.

Gitmo would be closed, there would be no tax hikes on anyone making less than the millionaires and billionaires who pull down $250k, and energy prices would “necessarily skyrocket.” And, as far as you know, that has all happened JUST as the president promised. Why, the most casual glance at the gas pump (if you can still afford to glance at one) tells you all you need to know about O-44. I know every time I fill up the car, I’m tempted to shout “Four more years!” at the top of my lungs.

But lately, the president’s really been on a roll. Just the other day, he demanded those sinister Republicans continue the payroll tax cut! Only the near-criminal tea partiers and business owners out there were concerned that the payroll taxes are the only source of funding for things like Social Security, but never you mind about that. The important thing, according to White House blogs at the time, was the FORTY (count ‘em, 40) bucks the average worker would still see on her paycheck each month. The web sites asked Americans to respond to the question “What does $40 mean to you?”

Now, $40 is a lot of money (or, at least, it used to be). But in case you’re struggling, here are some thoughts about what a quadruple-sawbuck can get you in Obama’s radically-transformed America. For instance, if you’re an investor, you could get 3/100 ounce of gold… or about one bazillion shares of preferred stock in Solyndra. If your finances are more modest, you could think of $40 as one bank fee in our post-financial-reform world. Or maybe you’d use it for education: $40 could cover one “lab fee” at your kid’s public school, or maybe a couple of deep-fried cafeteria lunches for those days when the food inspector drops by.

Do you still have a job, for some reason? Well, your union will probably grab that forty bucks for the re-election campaign… but if they don’t, you could use it at the gas pump. By year’s end, it’ll represent enough gas to get you to… the next gas pump! And $40 is also enough to pay the rent – if you’re playing Monopoly and you land on Baltic Avenue with two houses, that is. In the real world, forty bucks would buy you enough energy to power your home for the time it takes to read this sente-.

And, of course, with Obamacare, $40 represents a lifetime supply of contraceptives, with $40 left over to toss in the collection plate at church – kinda like the old “indulgences” system they used to have way-back-when. Don’t spend it on beer and cigarettes! That’s what food stamps are for.

This is just a partial list – I’m sure you can think of LOTS more you can get for $40. But the main thing Obama’s hoping for, apparently, is this: $40 is more than enough to buy your vote for the re-election of the Sugar Daddy in Chief.

Michael Hume is a speaker, writer, and consultant specializing in helping people maximize their potential and enjoy inspiring lives. As part of his inspirational leadership mission, he coaches executives and leaders in growing their personal sense of well-being through wealth creation and management, along with personal vitality.

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Why the Autonomous Google Car Needs a Blow Up Alien Doll in the Driver’s Seat

The other day, I was reading that the State of Nevada now allows driverless vehicles, cars which are fully autonomous, to drive on their highways. Of course, there are a lot of stipulations, for instance the vehicle must have a $3 million cash bond in place in case there’s an accident in lieu of insurance. After all, I doubt there are very many insurance companies that would wish to insure autonomous vehicle driving through the desert of Nevada.

And I guarantee you a gecko wouldn’t want to insure a driverless car, as it might be crossing the road in front of it and get smushed. All though, these autonomous vehicles have been known to dodge desert turtles on the BLM land outside of Barstow, CA and all the way to the border in NV.

Now then, the other day I was discussing this with some fellow think tankers, and we came up with an unfortunate scenario. Okay so, let’s say you’re driving down the road and you come to a stop sign. You wait to see if the other cars going to go, and it appears to be waiting for you to go. Then you look at the other car, but there is no driver in the driver’s seat, so you figure you’re going to go. But then you inevitably end up doing what they call a; “Mexican standoff” whereby each vehicle lets the other vehicle go, and then when no one goes they go at the same time and crash into each other.

It happens all the time, and if you drive in Mexico very much, you probably know this can occur. Therefore, the solution would be to put someone in the driver’s seat. Of course, that defeats the purpose of having an autonomous vehicle in the first place. So therefore, you can use a mannequin, or why not just get one of those toy blowup alien inflatable dolls? Put that in the front seat, and let the vehicle drive itself around. After all, that would be fine for Nevada, as is that a conspiracy theory about aliens at Area 51.

These alien blowup dolls don’t cost that much, you can find them online, and I can remember in my travels picking one up at one of the local shops in downtown Roswell, New Mexico. I think it would be fitting, and it’s a nice addition to add to the law in Nevada which allows these driverless vehicles to be on the road. Now then, you might think I’m joking, but I’m really not, although these vehicles will have special license plates, you may not realize that the reason there is no driver in the vehicle, is not because the vehicle is parked at the stop sign with no one in it, but because it drives itself.

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